I know I don’t usually say anything about health or weight, but I feel like this finally should be said and I hope it can help someone who is going through the same thing that I did. This is not something I really talk about openly, so it’s a bit hard to write, but here we go.
When I was young, at ballet school in my hometown, I had no idea what an eating disorder was. I had read about it in a book for dancers, but really couldn’t grasp the concept, and was unfazed because I was sure the book was just exaggerating.
But as I got older, I began to see firsthand how devastating these problems are, and why they are so prevalent in ballet. I watched as friends became stick thin, and though I tried as hard as I could to help them, to reach them, I realized how deep these problems really go and that the only person who can change them is the person doing this to themselves.
Unfortunately, I struggled as well. I began to believe that unless I was as tiny as I could be, I would never look good dancing and therefore wouldn’t succeed. There was a time I was paper-thin, eating close to nothing and resorting to horrible extremes to try and keep my weight as low as I could. I was constantly cold, covered in bruises, barely had any energy, and my eyes were cloudy all the time. I took all sorts of diet pills and anything else that I believed would rid my body of food, water, and fat. And after awhile the results I got were actually the opposite of the ones I wanted, and that was the worst time because I felt like the problems I had were not valid and I didn’t deserve help because I didn’t look or seem like I was sick.
Thankfully, I eventually began to realize what I was doing to myself and completely changed my outlook on food, dance, and life. It was very hard, but I was extremely lucky that I recovered without any extensive damage to my body.
I’m posting this because through all of these problems, I was incredibly lonely. I felt like nobody would understand, that they’d make me stop, that they only wanted me to gain weight so they’d look thinner or so I wouldn’t succeed. Of course this was wrong, but I had nobody to turn to.
If you are going through anything where you feel isolated, or that nobody understands and you need someone to talk to, I’m here. I will always listen, because I know what that is like, and how hard it is to reach out when you really need to.
(sorry for the long post.)